My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
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I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Tastes like chicken.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.