Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
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Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?