gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
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Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
That stupid look on my face, is my face
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
He just like my cat fr
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?