[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
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Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023