Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
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I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank