cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
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What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
how it started vs how it ended
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁