My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
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Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Never forget.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI