I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
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Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of