I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
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9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.