Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
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My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
That was easy.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Children of the corn 🌽
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next