No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
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I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.