[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
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I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?