I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
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How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
welcome back
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
(True)
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.