If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
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Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
They got Raph!
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”