You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
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While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.