The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
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Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Happy Friday
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.