Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
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Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.