*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
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The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.