Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
You Might Also Like
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Nothing.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!