[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
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[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
(Jupiter –
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”