I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
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I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Just say no
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain