Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
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[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Fries, not lies.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)