[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
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Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Me too, bag. Me too….
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Not helping
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang