If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
You Might Also Like
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.