[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
You Might Also Like
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit