You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
You Might Also Like
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
The news in a nutshell.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”