At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
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*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”