How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
You Might Also Like
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
These work great until they don’t.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
‘I know a black person’
– White people
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.