Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
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Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.