therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
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The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
My work here is don’t.
termite twitter scares me
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.