AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
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I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”