Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
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By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
This is me 🤣🤣
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands