When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
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*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine