My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
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“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type