My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
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There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.