A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
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Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
My favorite farside!!
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”