Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
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friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
The internet is full of many things
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.