I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
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I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”