Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
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Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.