“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
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Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
my professor scared me for a second
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I hate when that happens.