If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
You Might Also Like
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.