Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
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Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore