My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
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Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.