Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
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Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
so this horse walks into a bar
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Challenge accepted.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi