Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
You Might Also Like
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby