One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
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Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.