I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
You Might Also Like
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”