Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
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Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!