The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
You Might Also Like
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind