[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
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Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Breaking news:
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall